I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
