Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish I only lived at night.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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