my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
