it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
