i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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