I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
