I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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