I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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