hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
