That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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