K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
