I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Say something about gay babies.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
