Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
party gras won. party gras always wins.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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