this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
