Quick, to the slutcave!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
