just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
