whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
