he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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