I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
