she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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