The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
