He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
