I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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