i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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