how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
