Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize