So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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