Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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