You can't special order awesome
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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