cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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