I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
