we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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