areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
