If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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