He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
