so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
