woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
