I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize