can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
