i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
