dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
