You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
