Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
