You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
