Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
