i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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