I love black thongs
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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