idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
