I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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