if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
