I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
