i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my being single is dangerous.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
