Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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