Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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