Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
