think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
