Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
