someone threw a dead crab at me
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Drunk walkin through police station. America
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I see more hoeing in ur future
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