1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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