Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
